Player / Staff Profiles


Steve 'Sky High' Lawrence *

Club Founder / Club Chairman / Manager / Committee / player / general factotum!

Founder member of Feltham Old Offenders he has not, as far as we know, offended since founding the club - well, the police haven't turned up and dragged him away yet anyway. Elected Chairman as he likes to sit down a lot. Plays up front and regularly, on shooting for goal, brings down passing pigeons. Has been known to play really well if his boots are yellow.

Martin 'Shades' Griston

player / Committee

Named 'Shades' after playing the odd game in sunglasses - either that or he'd left his Guide dog at home. Will play anywhere he's asked to play and has the habit of using his big toe to score goals. Obviously, the rest of his foot is involved in the act of scoring, but his big toe often takes centre stage.

Donna 'Paparazzi' Griston

Treasurer / Committee / Club Photographer

Specialises in taking the most embarrassing photo's possible which is exactly what we want!!! Also manages the club finances to prevent Chairman 'Sky High' vanishing to The Seychelles.

Adam Griston

Club Mascot

Adam was appointed the official club mascot as he is easier to handle than a dog or a goat or something.....well usually

Neil 'Bammy'/'Rasberry' Bamforth

Webmaster / Club Photographer

Bammy had to retire from playing due to arthritis making him fall over more than beer does. His bizarre appearance in a Robo-Cop leg brace not with standing, he had to call it a day. After sulking for several months as a result, he has now agreed to carry on as Webmaster. This is mainly because nobody else will take the piss quite as much as he does, and it took him about two hours to sort the chaos the interim Webmaster caused :-)

John 'JC' 'Timber!' Clarke

Team Captain / Player

Appointed a team captain so we have someone to blame when it all goes wrong in tournaments. JC is clearly a good player when he's playing 5 a-side. How good he is when he gets the hang of walking remains to be seen ;-) He has managed to slow down to a sort of scuttle up to now. We anticipate genuine walking within the next few weeks.....Has earned the nickname 'Timber' due to his extraordinary knack of falling over - well, even more than the rest of us anyway...

Paul 'Buster' / 'Bald Pele' Hardy*

Team Captain / Player

Told us he was a bald Pele but we discovered he's more like Buster Bloodvessel of Bad Manners fame. Plays mainly in defence and is difficult to get around - as you have to go a looong way around. He has skillful feet but we have to tell him that as he can't see them very well. Commanding presence at the back and leads by example, often using his head to dazzle the opposition if it's sunny.

Martyn 'B'Stard' / 'Mr. B' / Jasper Benstead *

player

Martyn usually plays in defence. Having advised us he was once known as 'B'Stard' as per the marvellous late Rik Mayall creation we can call him that with impunity. He is the first Old Offender to have three nicknames. Greedy git. Jasper is from his days as a movie extra when he suggested he looked like Mel Gibson. The lady filling in the questionnaire changed it aptly to Jasper Carrot.

Wayne 'Rooster' Bull *

player

Hurtles (at walking pace) all over the place sometimes giving the impression there are three of him. Only human being on the planet who's legs are a blur when he walks. He plays setting an example nobody else can follow as we'd all be too knackered within 5 minutes. Rooster?...a bit subtle perhaps. Rooster Cogburn? True Grit? John WAYNE?...sorry, I'll get me coat...

Paul 'Psycho' Standon *

player

Excellent striker who invariably hits the net several times per game. Often crosses accurately but at such speed the ball has whizzed passed any support before they've actually noticed it. His gentle smile as he mows down the defence (and yes I know there's no contact in walking football but it's accidental.....honest guv) has prompted more than one Old Offender to suggest he's like a striker version of Stuart Pearce hence the nickname. Only be afraid if you're behind a shower curtain.

Dave 'Hair Bear' Welch *

player / Goalkeeper

Plays in defence, occasionally goal. He's recently taken to wearing increasingly outlandish head attire. As there are no rules regarding head attire there's no telling what he'll end up wearing on his head. Often complains about people running in training regardless of the fact he can take one stride to several jogs by most people due to being at least 8 feet tall by my reckoning. Top defender mind you.

Mo 'Speedy' 'Beep Beep' Daili *

player

Mo is one of only three Old Offenders to date to have more than one formal nickname. (Martyn 'B'stard' / 'Mr B' / 'Jasper' and Paul 'Buster' / 'Bald Pele' being the other two). Both are related to him having little legs so, when he's walking, he looks like he's running....which he frequently is....although he isn't really as he has little legs. Plays predominantly in mid-field. Firstly as that is where he is happiest and, secondly, the game would be over by the time his little legs had got him anywhere else.

Matthew 'Starsky' Hutchison *

player / Goalkeeper

Excellent goalkeeper and jolly fine outfield player. Throws himself around in goal like a 20 year old. If he's 20 he's had a bloody hard life! Likes to play out wide when not in goal. As our pitch is surrounded by a large fence it's as well he doesn't play too wide. Good all rounder who can play anywhere - which is just as well given we have a few who can't play anywhere.

Andrew 'Penny' Lane *

player

Plays generally in mid-field. One of our youngsters as he's only in his mid-forties. Often plays whilst wearing a baseball cap for no fathomable reason. Better than wearing a baseball bat though I suppose. Quick and accurate passer of the ball. We'll drag him down to our level one day ;-) 'Penny' incidentally is from The Beatles song. I can assure you he isn't a transvestite. Well not on Wednesday's or Sunday's anyway.

Mike 'Minion' Parsons *

player

Wears goggle like glasses as per his minion namesake when playing. Occasionally plays in goal but mainly to exercise his back picking the ball out of the net. Far more effective as a dogged defender kicking everything he sees from the ball to the opposition to any unfortunate passing squirrel.

Robin 'Batman' Butler *

player

Robin plays in mid-field and has 'a good engine' - possibly nicked from the bat mobile. His nickname has, sadly, nothing to do with him wearing his underpants outside his trousers which would be interesting. It is a combination of him being called Robin and the tactic - not yet used - of trying to unnerve any opposition by the entire team bursting into the 'batman theme' every time he touches the ball. Never stops running...er...walking I mean....walking.

John 'Busby' / 'Banana Man' Bird *

player

'Busby Bird' is from an old BT advert. As John is of an age to remember it, it'll do. Suggestions of 'Victor' (Meldrew) as a nickname were seriously considered as he is not backwards in expressing his displeasure....in a constructive way though as in 'Bloody useless!!'...well? I reckon that's constructive! Plays primarily in defence and reads the game well. If he could speed read he'd be even better ;-) Someone suggested 'Gandalf' as a nickname given his white mane. Now I know he's good but 'magic' might be pushing it. He has recently become 'Banana Man' due to a seeming addiction to the bendy yellow fruits.

Robert 'Screaming Lord' Sutch *

player

Rob doesn't actually scream - which is unfortunate given his name. Actually, with such a famous namesake it's frankly outrageous that he doesn't scream. We will have to speak to him about that. Plays in any position he feels the mood to play in and has a nice touch on the ball - albeit a worryingly quiet one. Rob has a classic suedehead haircut but does not wear Doctor Martin's. Well not during a game anyway.

Warwick 'Grizzly' Gorman

player

Possibly 7 feet tall, possibly 8, Warwick bears an uncanny resemblance to a slimmed down Grizzly Adams. Excellent defender and all around player. Probably as well walking football is a contact free sport. Shouldn't think a bear hug from him would leave you feeling too well! Remains remarkably calm at training as chaos ensues around him. An un-calm Warwick would be a frightening experience!

David 'Franz' Leeming

player

Dave has been around for a looooong time but has manfully avoided having his picture taken for the website...until now! Known as 'Franz' due to him not being German but occasionally 'doing a Beckenbaur' and wandering out of defence to hit a screamer into the top corner. An excellent and intelligent player despite the fact that he smiles a lot - which is most un-German of him if you ask me.

Mark 'Pastie' Ralph

player and foreigner

Known as 'Pastie' as he's buggered off to Cornwall' hence he's on the "Where Are They Now?" page albeit we know where he is as he's in Cornwall....and, as he keeps popping back to play, he's entitled to be on both 'Player Profiles' and 'Where Are They Now'. Skillful player who would have been, and still is when he pops back, an excellent addition to our ranks if he hadn't moved to a foreign country somewhere a long way away that contains people who talk funny and sheep. Sounds more like Yorkshire to me. He clearly loves us too much to actually properly leave like most sensible people do ;-)

Martin 'K2' Barrett

player

'K2' - so named after the mountain - also appears in our 'Where Are They Now?' section as, for a short while, we lost him. Quite how we managed to temporarily lose a mountain is beyond me. This gives him the honour of being only the second Old Offender, after 'Pastie', to appear in both sections. He will remain in both until we can confidently not lose him again.

Tony 'Fred' Barker

player

A recent recruit who plays mainly in a defensive roll and distributes the ball well - not necessarily to his own team but, either way, he is accurate. Would be an ideal defensive partnership if we had a defender with the surname 'Beak' - as in 'Ollie Beak' and 'Fred Barker' for those too young to recall the marvelous puppets of TV's yesteryear. Tony, at his age, will undoubtedly remember them so beware. He might just bite your ankles if you try to walk past him!

Paul 'Slinky' Sanders

player

Has an extraordinary ability to wiggle his hips one way and then go another - possibly a belly dancer in a former life? Walks so smoothly he's almost cat like but, as we already have a Chris 'The Cat' Beech, 'Slinky' will do. Anyway, it rhymes better :-) Skillful player who generally passes well to someone on his own side which is always a plus. Also good at organizing the play - well, better than most can anyway.

Andy 'Big Top' Barrett

player

A big chap who also turns out for Q.P.R. walking football club. We first noticed him at our inaugural competition when he did just that - mind you, you can hardly miss him. Almost impossible to walk around him without leaving the field of play entirely. Good organizer who reads the game well. Attacks and defends with equal gusto. Good distributor of the ball after gaining possession - usually through an opposition player bouncing off him.

Martin 'Escapee' Thompson

player

On seeing Martin's pic several Old Offenders suggested he looked like an escapee from Wormwood Scrubs - hence the nickname. A recent recruit who plays a solid game - so solid in fact, that walking into him is inadvisable. An immovable object with a good eye for a pass. His other eye might not be but nobody's perfect!

Chris 'Blaster' Bates

player

Nicknamed 'Blaster' after the legendary demolition man of the 60's and 70's who had extraordinary expertise with explosives. Our 'Blaster' - at least to date - has not shown any talent with explosives but, it has to be said, he does occasionally hit the odd explosive shot - sometimes in the general direction of the opposition goal. He also has the ability to explode the oppositions game plan with a smart pass through the midfield. He may be banned from playing for a couple of games around November 5th - just to be safe.

Tommy 'Gun' Davis

player

Compared to most of us Tommy looks about 10 years old. Skillful striker who often drifts wide - the fence stops him drifting into the road. Has the ability to look up before passing. Mind you, at his age he hasn't got the neck problems us old farts have. Might have to use a marker pen on his face to make creases so he looks older for any friendlies / tournaments.

Luke 'Skywalker' Shirnia

player

Another youngster - better get a couple of marker pens for aging.... Luke plays all across the mid-field (obviously only in one place at a time). Skillful feet, well, one of them is anyway. Disgustingly slim and comparatively fit he's a bit like the 'after' picture to the rest of us 'before' pictures post diet. Might have to include mass burger eating in his training regime to bring him into line with the rest of us.

James 'The Bee' Gassup

player / Goalkeeper

James has lately taken up position in goal - mainly in the centre of it but he does occasionally wander to the left and right of it. When not in goal he tends to play out on the wing. We know he does because he shouts loudly so we can't miss him out there. One of our youngsters he is sadly inelligible for tournaments but, as a fan of Brentford, he needs all the support we can give him.

Laura Bayes

Physiotherapist and Sports Massage

You can contact Laura to help stop the old bits dropping off through sports massage on http://yimello.co.uk/

Players marked with * are full club members and eligible for tournaments.

The annual membership for full club members is £20.

Please note. To be fully eligible for tournaments it is necessary to play at least 2 Wednesdays and 2 Sundays per month. If work commitments make this impossible then, with the agreement of the Chairman (Sky High) 4 sessions on a Sunday or a Wednesday or a mix will be acceptable.